Breaking The Shackles

Not sure who left the very last comment just minuets ago, but to clarify, I have an idea of what I should do, but I'm still having problems coming to terms with it.

I'm usually quite good about 'rolling with the punches' so to say, meaning being flexible and being able to adapt to change. However, this has been causing more tension all around. I've found myself being in a worse mood lately because there's always scenarios running through my head, numbers crunching, trying to come up with a plan.

I've found myself neglecting eating since I've come back to Wuhan... I'll wake up fairly early go to work, maybe have a bag of chips and by the end of the day my stomach is growling, my body feels weak, and my hands are lightly trembling. I came home today with that feeling and fell asleep until my phone vibrated in my pocket pressed up against my leg (was in my clothes still) so I decided to go get a pizza from pizza hut (expensive) and only ate 4 slices. Normally I could finish the whole thing no problem. I've lost a lot of weight, most of my clothes don't fit very well anymore although looking at myself in the mirror, I feel like I look the same and it's quite discouraging. I always say that I should get some discipline and tone up, but I never do it for whatever reason.

I read Doug's blog just now, and it still seems as though he feels the need to blog about me. Going on with the same acquisitions that I've grown tired of. "You don't get me!" Yes Doug, I get you, I probably get you better than anyone. Doesn't mean I have to like it or agree with it. Yea, I've been trying to distance myself. You say you've got SOOOOoooo many friends, yet you talk about being alone all the time...hmmm contradiction? I'd be willing to bet that "so many friends" just means students who have a different agenda on their mind weither they make it apparent or not. Remember it's the Chinese way to "bribe" and try to make you feel special. Just the other day you were talking about how Everett was leaving and how I was leaving and you weren't going to have anyone to hang around with and how you weren't going to know what to do with yourself. Seems like you're obscuring the picture of your readers to try and paint a prettier picture then it really is. Hey maybe I'm wrong, but that's just my observation.

It's true I haven't been to his place - but he fails to mention that he has no furniture. It's probably a mess, and his paraphernalia is probably out in sight - none of these I want to deal with, see, or be around. I don't go around preaching my views on recreational hobbies, so don't do it to me.

I mean really, what do you want from me? You say some pretty bad things about me to other people, you fight with me about money you rightfully owe me and try to get out of it, you try to cause tension between my friends/co-workers and I... So you can "demand" all the respect you want because you "think" you're more of a professional (even though you (and I) still lack any sort of degree, something that typically defines a 'professional' at least in this field. It'd be quite hard to get a job elsewhere in the world (sans asia/mexico) even though you think you're a "professional".) However, in my opinion it hasn't been earned from me at least. Respect isn't valued by 'time and money' either.

Frankly Stoerm and I get along - I don't "put up" with anything, because there hasn't been anything to "put up" with. He gives me my space, I give him his space. We meet for dinner or to play a game here or there.

I don't know, I've used to much space already on this - I'm not saying anymore.

Work decided to screw me over again... They asked what we preferred for the schedule during the busy summer portion and I told them I'd prefer not to have mornings. Turns out I have pretty much all morning classes. This upsets me, but whatever it's only 6 weeks then I'm out of there.

More people from home are starting to get in contact with me telling me they can't wait for when I get back, and it's going to hurt to have to tell them sorry, I might not be coming back this year. It's really difficult, because the more I think about it the more I feel like I need to visit... There are some more things I'd like to see here in China, but really I didn't do this to turn it into a career (not yet anyways). I mean I'd still like to go to other countries too, and for that (as I talked about earlier) I'll need a degree... Without it, my options are limited.

How'd you like the new pictures? No one has said anything about them :(

How's everything turning out for everyone out there? I've been watching some American TV shows - Survivor (Just finished season 7 the Pearl Islands... I liked it a lot because it was a Pirate theme throughout the whole thing, however, I didn't like how it played out at the end.). America's Got Talent - it's like a huge talent show - pretty fun. Mindfreak - a magic show. Miami Ink - about a tattoo shop in miami.

My body is in pain right now, I feel tense, sore, and sun burnt. I can't get comfortable, but it all might be due to this decision I need to make too. I just don't know yet...