From Night to Night
First a quote:
Tom really wants to just go home, I don't think he would deny that. Funny ... I really thought I would be here a while, it all seemed easier with Tom here, he was always part of the plan. Flip the coin over and I see it a different way, if Tom wants to go home I have little right to say anything about it. I really want him to be happy, sometimes I feel like Tom means more to me than anyone. I always used to think that at least we had each other, as shitty as it was growing up from time to time I knew that as long as we stuck together we'd be alright. Well, I guess it will be time for me to go it alone for a while. I think I know what I want to do with my life now, Tom still hasn't found that for himself yet.
Now, my response:
Yea part of me would like to go home. There are specific reasons I decided to come here, and most of those have been thrown out the window.
I wanted to gain international work experience - This has already been done.
I wanted to step away from the "corporate America" work environment, where you're simply a number trying to increase the bottom line - I'm in the same situation here.
I wanted to enjoy my work, and do something more fulfilling and gratifying - Not happening here, it's not real "teaching", it's baby-sitting.
I wanted to not have to worry about daily work related stress, and be able to see part of the world - Not happening here, work takes up too much time, and doesn't allow for traveling very well.
So instead of doing what I wanted, I got more of the same PLUS the frustrations of living in a non-English speaking culture. This by far has been the worst employment I have worked.
I started off saying I was going to be here 5+ years, I'm sure Doug remembers those conversations... But I quickly changed to not even wanting to go, then in the end I decided I'd give it a try. I don't want to stay here a long time... There are things in my life that I need to do, like going to school. Doug says go to school here, but that requires knowing Chinese very well, and that's not something I don't think I'll be able to pick up any time soon. Maybe my eyes have just been opened more, and Doug's are still clouded by the delusions of HAVING to be here to improve life? I don't know.
I've come to realize that I'm simply not a happy person... I wonder if I ever will be. I'm numb to emotions, I'm always in a bad mood, I sleep all the time, I have no wish to do anything different. I'd like to be happy, but I wonder if I even know how anymore. I have spurts of happiness, but it's always short and never lasts very long.
I think Family is very important, and Doug and I have always been very close. It matters to me what he thinks, but I also feel that I don't have the right to "control" his life. I think looking out for yourself is very important too. Would I want to be here alone? Nope, probably not. I like having my brother around, and if I'm to leave while he stays, it's going to be hard. I knew growing up as well, that if we stuck together we'd be alright. We did that. Our life's and vision's were always pretty much the same, or related. However, within recent years, Doug has made some decisions in his life to do things that I don't agree with. This has caused distance between us, and as much as he'd like me to just "accept" it, that is the effect after the cause.
Our visions on what to do in life have now come to a crossing. I tried doing what he wants to do. I thought I'd like it, but I don't. I'm miserable. I'm not the type of person suited for this. Am I to stay here, unhappy and miserable, simply to preserve that vision of two brothers sticking together? Maybe I am, I don't know.
He's right... I'm not sure what I want to do with my life. Well, I'd love to work in the film or video game industry, but those are awfully hard to break into, almost unreasonable to think about. I'd love to work in some technology field, but that requires schooling... Maybe I should just do CAD, or structural engineering. I don't know anymore. Also, how long did it take for him to realize that "this" is what he wanted to do? Personally, I see him on a daily basis, and while at work he looks miserable too. That's just my observation, take it with a grain of salt.
We had a Christmas dinner last night at Giano's. We had turkey, mashed potatoes, broccoli and cheese (w/ mushrooms in it ick!), macaroni and cheese, GRAVY, stuffing, and they made some egg nog... Too bad it was leaded though, so I didn't have any. I was really looking forward to it too... What a shame. I must say that while there I was pretty down. I'm pretty sure people noticed. I see everyone around me having a good time and enjoying themselves, but I simply can't. We had a gift exchange. People were running around trying to figure out who got who what. I got this foot warmer slipper thingy of a Chinese girl. It's cute, and really nice because my feet get real cold here. I think I had two spurts of happiness, one while eating (which I ate too much), and one while walking around w/ the gifts.
Afterwards, I spoke w/ some co-workers about my concerns here at work, and was advised that I should get out because it's only going to get worse. I decided I would read some stuff about EF online to see what people were saying, and it turns out that most of my concerns have been going on for years with the EF brand. So it's simply not going to get any better...But probably worse when Summer comes around. I've pretty much decided that I'll be relinquishing my position. So what will happen with me afterwards?
Only time will tell...
Tom, I can only imagine the frustration you are feeling. But my thoughts on being a 'baby sitter' if that is the way it is, than let yourself go and be the BEST darn sitter in the school! Like I told Doug, if they say a word right, or do whatever you want them to, down on all fours and give them a ride on your back! If they are little enoug. That is the way American fathers baby sit.
Teach them to dance, like you and Doug did that one New Year's Eve at our house. That was great. Just allow yourself to have a little fun out of it, and maybe the tension will ease up. What do you have to loose?
I know you have always been a sad boy, I thought you were just being a little turkey sometimes, but I think maybe you were just trying to break out of the darkness.
I am beginning to see a glimmer of the tip of the iceberg, of the man you will become. It isn't easy to grow and stretch, the growing pains are severe. Nothing worth while comes easy!
Not even caring for a White Poodle Her name is Baby. Cute as a button and growing rapidly. I had to change my attitude about a clean and neat house, radically! Can't enjoy her while trying to make a child out of her. She is a DOG. Dogs do things differently. Will try to get together some shots of her together, tho I can't get your email option to come up. Maybe we can do it just the regular way?
Did you finish the DVD? It has some Christmas on there also, our tree is the tiny little guy we had in the Motor Home. About 15inches tall. Just like the one at the cabin.
Honey, I hope you can find a way to stay and complete your original plan of 1 year. Of course you want to come home, you have never been away from home all your 25 years. You boys took quite a leap, we are proud of your courage to give it a try, and as long as you are together you can manage all of the challenges. Not to imply that one of you couldn't manage alone, but there is strength in having a partner.
Your Dad is right, experience in another country is never a mistake. What else pressing do you have on your schedule?
Have you taken the walk up to the Memorial Park that Doug shot on his video? How exciting. Are you still having a problem with keeping your pants up? A belt mabye, suspenders? or those great big safety pins? Ha, maybe a pair of new ones in a size to accommodate your new figure?
Love your brother, he is your best friend!
Love, Grandma
Merry Christmas!!! I hope you and Doug have a great day together. I am not sure where your dad is at but I hope to see them tonight. It is cold and wet outside so everyone is staying in. Anne thought that they were having the faire in Alamo right now. I hope not because they won't be doing much business with this weather. Enjoy your day and we will be thinking of you both.
Christmas Blessings,
Love,
Linda
You shouldn't stay here just to keep this vision alive. If your unhappy here then go ahead and go home. I still fail to see how this is worse than working at a call center, perhaps your department had less traffic than mine, but I would much rather do this. I have learned how to be less of a babysitter and more of a teacher, I think you have learned that too, and yeah the language thing is tough but we get by. Chinese has to be the dumbest language in a lot of ways, I'm not sure what whoever thought it up was thinking, or smoking. "Nah we'll make each word mean 5 different things, it'll be fine." Thsi is prolly why only 50% of the country understands the language. Anyhow, this is something I want to do, I never expected you to be with me all the way. If you are going to stay, and you do want to go to school, I would suggest doing it online. There are some great degrees available and they are a lot less than going to college in the classroom, I know as I get older it's harder for me to do that. I could be doing my english cert right now, but instead I am leaving a comment on your blog. I don't expect you to be here more than a year, you never know, I may want to take 6 months off and do some manual labor at home, or denton, or wherever you end up. I miss that nwo and then. Anyway don't feel to bad about taking off
Well, it sounds like you had quite a Christmas. You did more than we did. I think Tom, the girl probably will find out where you work. I hope so.
The faire started and seems alot better. I will send some pictures. I enjoyed the video very much.
cheers