Breaking The Shackles

You know it's beginning to get to that time of when I need to start thinking about next year. When I say that, I mean: Do I want to be here another year?

Part of me says "Yes!" It's interesting living in another society, in another country, in another culture. It's building a resume, it's building character, memories, and experiences.

The other part of me says "No!" I hate my job, I don't get any satisfaction from it, it's polluted here, it seems as though most people just want to drink and get wasted, and I'm wasting time.

You know, part of me feels that for many many years I've had to maintain a certain image because I was the person to do what needed to be done that other people weren't going to do. Maybe this has held me back in life, maybe it's helped me in life - I don't really know. Something I do know is that happiness seems to be just a dream, a hope, a pursuit. I recently watched a movie called the "Pursuit of Happiness" and it hit a little close to home. Will Smith's character goes through somethings and winds up talking about happiness and how Thomas Jefferson included the word "pursuit" in the Deceleration of Independence and questioned how he knew to include "the PURSUIT of happiness." Indicating that it's possible that someone could never be happy and only pursue it. Of course this is a movie, and I'm sure you can guess what happens, but it's something I've felt for a long time. Am I going to be one of those people that only chase after happiness and never find it.

I have ideas of what would make me happy, but in the end, a lot of those aspirations are unrealistic...like a kid day-dreaming. You know you go through times when you say "Oh! I'm so happy!" but really it's just an empty sentence, or short lived. I can say that I was honestly happy when I was w/ my ex - but that quickly turned into a horrible nightmare and headache. It seems as though my existence is to be "THAT GUY!" the one that hast to suffer in the turmoils of life. A friend once told me that some people are born with their problems, and others make their problems. She later went on to talk about how I feel in the 1st category. What else can I say? I know that not working would be something that would make me happy, but for how long? Would I eventually get bored and become unhappy again - possibly. Happiness is such a finicky beast isn't it.

That's getting quite deep, so onto a rant...

What's the deal with people that use the anonominity of the internet to manipulate, deceive, or fulfill some sort of sick and perverse fantasy with other people. For example, a guy who pretends to be a girl (most of the time lesbian and/or bi) and has erotic conversations or cyber-sex with another girl. I mean, what does this accomplish. Usually the guy winds up building some sort of attachment to this girl and then the only way to continue is to continue the manipulation. I've seen people go so far as to create fake email address, and use that fake email address to log into a messenger service, and get other girl's pictures off the net and claim that it's them. I never hear of girls posing as guys unless they want to be left alone. Sure it's something to play a female in a role-playing game, hence the name "role-playing", but doing this sort of thing is just disgraceful, disrespectful, sick, and unethical. I could go on, but I think you get my drift. Ugh, this makes me angry.

I've been feeling depressed, that's nothing new though as I feel like the majority of my time is spent in a depressed state of mind. I've noticed that it's becoming harder and harder for me to control. Keeping that barrier up to make it seem as though "I'm Okay!" gets harder and harder. There's nothing new here, I don't even know why I'm talking about it. I'll just get yelled at in a comment probably and told that people are tired of hearing me complain. To which I'd say that this is *MY* space, and place to put up how I'm feeling. They don't have to read it if they don't want to.

I downloaded and completed the 13th season of Survivor just a few hours ago (Cook Island) and I have to say that I'm a fan of that show. In most survivor shows there is a challenge where you get to see a loved one. For once, I could finally relate to how that must feel. Everyone was breaking into tears, and just watching that I felt a strong sense of emotion come over me. I wish I could do something like they do in Survivor. It looks hard, miserable at times, but at the same time it looks like so much fun and a way to escape reality. Too bad I can't really swim. See - a kid day-dreaming again.

So like I was saying, it's beginning to get to that time where I need to start thinking about next year. I have no clue what I want to do in life. I'm so unmotivated to do anything, I hate mornings, I hate people, and I just want to be left alone most of the time. I wish there were something that I could find meaning in. Something I could find satisfaction in. Blah to Corporate America. That reminds me...

Over on the *OTHER* blog, I was accused of being what was it... Oh yes - anti-social and a conformist. Certain allegations were made to support both of those claims, and people responded. Why do I become the topic of others? Do you think I like this? Why?

Let's start off by examining some definitions. The following definitions come to us courtesy of the premier site for word definitions on the internet:

con·form·ist /kənˈfɔrmɪst/ [kuhn-fawr-mist]
–noun
1. a person who conforms, esp. unquestioningly, to the usual practices or standards of a group, society, etc.
2. (often initial capital letter) a person who conforms to the usages of an established church, esp. the Church of England.

–adjective
3. of or characterized by conforming, esp. in action or appearance.

an·ti·so·cial /ˌæntiˈsoʊʃəl, ˌæntaɪ-/ [an-tee-soh-shuhl, an-tahy-]
–adjective
1. unwilling or unable to associate in a normal or friendly way with other people: He's not antisocial, just shy.
2. antagonistic, hostile, or unfriendly toward others; menacing; threatening: an antisocial act.
3. opposed or detrimental to social order or the principles on which society is constituted: antisocial behavior.
4. Psychiatry. of or pertaining to a pattern of behavior in which social norms and the rights of others are persistently violated.
–noun
5. a person exhibiting antisocial traits.

I'm just going to leave it at that. I feel no need to give my thoughts on how I view myself.

I guess the bottom line is simple... "I don't know what to do."

-Tom

Never once did I mention I was even *THINKING* about taking drugs or drinking. It was simply a thought that ran through my head. Please refrain from putting words in my mouth, or making assumptions.

Thank you.

It's been awhile since I updated outside of the obscure feeling post below.

Work has been very busy, I'm getting tired of working 10-12 hour days in some cases for a paltry sum of "money"; however, this is simply a job. Only get one day off for 2 weeks, then 7 days off for holiday, then back to one day off for 1 more week, then back to normal schedule.

Some interesting thoughts have gone through my head recently. For example, I've noticed that there really aren't a lot of birds in this city. There are some, but nothing compared to like it was back home. I wonder if it's because of where the city is located, the pollution, or that it's such a big city and big cities are like that. Maybe a combination of all of them, I don't know.

I've been wanting to travel some within China. There are a lot of things I like about being here, although people keep telling me that they think I'd have a far better time if I were to start drinking and/or consumer narcotics. While we're on the topic, it went through my head the other day that people often use alcohol or narcotics to help them through the daily stresses of life. This got me thinking... I'm no medical expert and don't claim to be one, but could it be possible that the consumption of these stress relievers may have a way of benefiting one's health. I'm not talking about lowering the risk of cancer or something like that. I'm talking more about lowering blood-pressure or something like that. For example take someone like me, doesn't use any forms of these "optimizers" and deals with everything internally. When I first came here, my blood pressure was rather high, could have been due to nerves or something too, but anyways back to the point I'm trying to make. If you were to compare my results to someone who uses these products to help him/her through the day, I'm guessing there is a chance that their readings would be lower. Of course, I could be talking complete non-sense as I'm no expert on the topic. Nor do I condone the use, but that's another topic.

You know there is one thing I can't stand, and that is repeating myself. You know how they sometimes ask questions like 'If there were one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?' I think I'd wish to change my voice. I don't want to get into a lengthy argument over "Oh you need to speak up" or "You mumble" because I don't think, or feel I do. I've recorded myself on multiple occasions and have no problems understanding myself. Of course you could point to self-awareness, but I would counter argue that. The way it feels for me to speak comfortably puts my voice at an unusual tone and/or frequency I believe. I don't know, but that is one thing that really annoys me.

What has everyone been up to? Any plans or trips for anyone coming up? How is daily life? Give me the low-down!

Well Doug is pacing back and forth like a lion... He's been whinnying that he wants to use the computer, so I guess I'm going to let him. Boo to him!

I'm not going to spell check, so you'll have to deal with it! HAH!

I want to quit.